With / Without.

People complain that I don’t make efforts in friendship, but they fail to realized that I'm here. I'm here to listen and for the most part, I don’t talk to a lot of people. People whine and try to make me feel bad when I don’t put in efforts. I never do to begin with. I always, always warn the ones that try to get close to me that I won’t be able to put in the efforts they put in for me. I always and I mean, always remind them that, but they never listen. They complain or try to guilt-trip me over it, but the truth is I don’t make a lot of efforts for almost 95% of my friends. I’m just there and that is why I said I can be alone and I mean truly live in solitude with or without people. I might sound insane saying this, but believe me. I'm fine without people. That’s why when people tell me they’re so, so fucking tired of putting in efforts, then don’t because I don’t have time for people who are just wanting efforts to be returned to them. If I wanted to be around, I will stay and it may not be the greatest feeling in the world knowing that I disappear a lot of the time, but come back when you’re at your lowest, but the truth is that I only come back when you’ve fallen. Why? Because I am able to pull you back up and I am able to still accept you at your worst. I can just watch from the distance seeing you at your best and that’s good enough for me. I don’t need communication to establish the fact that I don’t put in efforts or that they want me to. That’s why I end up losing a lot of my friendship because they don’t take my warning seriously when I say that I’m one of the worst people you can encounter being friends with if you want efforts. Please, please don’t expect anything out of me because I will definitely end up disappointing you unless you’re one of the few exceptions I make in my life for personal reasons. Regardless, I will always trigger that warning that I’m one of those people who keeps a distance between people and my world. Only because I know I can be okay and the fact that they’re so depended on someone else to pull in efforts in the friendship is kind of sad to me. Why? Because it seem like they want them to pull in efforts or make them feel bad for doing so, but it’s not natural. It’s not mutual. It’s just not and it seem like it’s forced because they make them feel bad for not putting in efforts, but then they end up growing tired because damn, it does make people tired to put in efforts when they don’t really want to. I know that’s unfortunate, but you can only expect so much out of someone. If someone doesn’t want to put in efforts, then drop them. Find someone who will, but for the most part I know I won’t and nothing will change that unless I’m fighting to stay in someone’s life, but the ones who knows that I don’t put in efforts and accept me as I am are the ones that I hold exceptions for because they understand that part of me and I am grateful for that. They know that even if I don’t talk to them for weeks, that if I talk to them again, it’s like nothing changed and those are the best friendships I can ask for.